One of the many exciting things about dating for both men and women is the thrill of the chase. It’s fun to be romantically pursued, and it’s also enjoyable to have the chance to woo someone and win them over.
That’s one of the reasons it’s common to play hard to get in relationships. If done right, it can keep things exciting and thrilling for both the one who’s teasing and the partner who is trying to win their affections.
Unfortunately, there’s not always a big difference between the signs he’s playing hard to get and the indicators that he’s not interested in having a relationship with you. What might seem like teasing or trying to tempt you to chase him harder could actually be him trying to tell you, without words, that he’s not into you.
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Here we’ll break down several common games that men like to play early on in relationships, and talk you through the signs he’s playing hard to get that will help you decipher what he’s thinking. These might help you understand how he really feels, and save you from a broken heart in the long-run if there are subtle signs that he’s not invested.
Ways Guys Play Hard to Get When They Like You
There’s a big difference between a man playing hard to get in a flirtatious way and just outright being uninterested. These are three behaviors that can clue you in when he’s trying to get you to chase him because he’s interested, not because he needs an ego boost.
He Pulls Away Then Comes Back for More
When you first start dating, you and your guy are constantly testing each other. Not only are you getting to know how they think and feel, but you’re also learning how they react in certain situations.
It’s hard to be emotionally vulnerable if you don’t know where you stand, which means that sometimes men will do things to try to get you to react and show your cards. For example, if he ghosts you for a day and you get really upset, he knows instantly that you care about him. Maybe even more than you’re saying out loud.
If you two are starting to grow close, and then he starts to pull away from you, it might not necessarily be a sign that he’s not interested. He might be testing you and checking to see if you’re as into him as he is to you.
If he pulls away a bit but reengages with you relatively quickly, it’s possible it was a test. If he’s genuinely interested, he won’t stay gone for too long because he knows that you might not wait around for him.
If he’s trying this, it’s important to remember a few things. First, it’s okay to let him know that you miss him or reassure him that you want to see him initially. That’s how he will have his feelings verified.
However, if he doesn’t respond or start communicating again quickly, there’s no reason to continue to chase him down. If he wants a relationship with you, he’ll come back, and you’ll have a chance to build a stronger foundation of trust between you.
Finally, it’s important that you also communicate how this makes you feel back to him. If you don’t like it when he pulls away or you feel like you’re lowering your standards by waiting for someone who disappears on you, tell him. You won’t ever get what you want out of a relationship if you don’t speak up and talk about it.
He Chases You When You Play the Game
Playing hard to get goes both ways, and another way to tell if he’s pretending to like you less than he really does is by turning the tables and doing the same to him. Yes, this is a power play, and you definitely run the risk of losing him entirely if he doesn’t return your feelings.
But, if you need the reassurance that he’s just playing the game, it’s an easy way to see if you’re on the same wavelength.
If you pull away and play a bit hard to get yourself, you know that he’s really into you if he cracks first and comes running back your direction. Hold your ground once you’ve started and give him the time to prove to you that he thinks you’re worth chasing.
On the other hand, if he reacts badly, he might not be interested in anything real. For example, if he immediately goes on a date with another girl and posts about it on social media, he’s likely just a guy on a power trip looking for attention, and he isn’t worth your time.
Remember, if you’re playing games in your relationship, they should be fun, flirty, and something you both enjoy. If they turn into a power struggle that makes you feel jealous, angry, or hurt, then it’s probably time to move on. That isn’t how someone you care about should ever intentionally make you feel.
He Puts Distance Between You to Sort Things Out
One of the scariest moments in a relationship is realizing you like someone (like, really like them), and you’re not sure how they feel about you. Depending on your personality, this might make you want to spend as much time as possible with that person to get closer and feel reassured that they’re falling for you too.
But for other people, this might make you want to take a step back to give the person you’re dating time to realize how great you are. It’s probably not surprising that often women fall into the first category, but men fall into the second.
It’s entirely possible that he’ll start playing hard to get and giving you lots of space once he realizes that he’s starting to fall for you. He might be trying to gain some ground or get you to admit how you feel first so that he’s not embarrassed.
This is one of the behaviors that women sometimes find the hardest to understand because they respond very differently to this situation. Try to be patient and reassuring without being too demanding while he works through everything he’s feeling. He’s trying to gain the upper hand. There’s no harm in telling him you miss him or want to see him, which will let him know that he has your affection, too.
Just be on the lookout for guys that do this often. Once or twice at the beginning of your relationship, while things are still new and unsure is typical and even expected. But if you’ve been together for a while, and he still needs a power play to feel secure in your relationship, he might not be the right one for you.
How to Get Past Playing Games
After a while, playing the guessing game can be exhausting, and you might be ready to figure out what’s going on between you. If you’re at the point where you don’t want to keep looking for signs he’s playing hard to get, here are some tips to help you know for sure where you stand with your guy.
Just Ask Him
It seems like the most natural thing in the world, but often, it’s a step that many people aren’t willing to take. But if you want to know if he’s into you, the best way to find out is to ask him.
Yes, it will take a bit of bravery, so it might be smart to plan out what you want to say beforehand. Whether you do it over the phone or by text, try to keep it both direct and casual.
Try saying something like, “it seemed like we had a great time when we went out last week, but I haven’t heard anything from you since then. What’s up? Do you want to go out again, or not?”
By asking simple, direct, yes or no questions, you don’t leave any room for misunderstandings and also let him know that you’re ready to move on if he’s not going to respond.
Be Brave
It’s worth pointing out that the direct approach is also a bit scary. You have to be brave to ask these sorts of questions, and also be prepared that the response might not be what you want to hear.
If he continues to ignore you or tells you that he’s not up for hanging out again, that’s not always easy to hear. Prepare yourself to be happy with the response no matter what the outcome is.
If he tells you that you’re not his type, then you can feel reassured that it’s time to move on and empowered to not waste any more time on him. On the other side, he replies right away to set up another date, and you get a glimpse into how he might feel about you.
Many people think it’s always better to know the truth, and sometimes the only way to get it is just to ask.
Step Away from the Drama
Another reason why it’s tempting not to ask the hard questions is that it eliminates the chase and drama of a new love interest. Think about it – when you’re trying to figure out what’s going on in his mind, you’re enlisting the help of the people closest to you to analyze the situation.
You call your friends and talk about your new guy and rehash every detail from your last date. They ask you questions, and as a group, you dramatically discussion what his every word or action could mean and try to interpret his behavior.
How many times have you had friends tell you that he’ll call any minute or that he totally likes you because of something he did or say the last time you were together? That’s part of the fun, and it can sometimes be so enjoyable that it’s tempting not to ask for clarity from him about how he actually feels.
But, if you’re at the point where asking “what if” stresses you out rather than makes you smile, it’s time to find out how he feels.
Look for Indirect Communication
Nearly every guy you meet will, at some point, think about what you would be like as a girlfriend or romantic partner. He knew the first time he saw you whether or not there was a physical attraction, so it’s safe to assume that he already knows if he likes you that way whether or not he’s told you yet.
To find reassurance when he’s playing hard to get, look for subtle, indirect signs that he’s attracted to you. If he makes eye contact, touches you on your shoulder or arm casually, laughs with you, or asks you questions about your life and interests, those are good signs that he sees you as a potential partner.
Remember, he might try to test you to see if you feel the same way, and he might do that by pulling away and playing hard to get. You can find some comfort by reading between the lines of his indirect communication to help reassure you that he’s just playing the game and not trying to play you for a fool.
Play it Cool
One of the most important things you want to avoid doing if he’s ignoring you is losing your cool. Sending nonstop texts or calling several times a day makes you look needy and insecure, and may even have him questioning if you’re completely sane.
It’s acceptable to follow up after you hang out or go on a date and let him know that you had a great time and would like to see him again. If he feels the same way, he’ll respond back and let you know. If he’s interested in doing it again, he’ll ask you out on another date.
By playing it cool, you’ll come across as confident and desirable, which will make it much more difficult for him if he wants to play hard to get. Let him know how you felt and put the ball in his court. Show him that you don’t want drama or to play games, and you’ll set the standard for your potential future relationship.
Signs He’s Just Not Into You
As we’ve discussed, playing hard to get is something that guys might do to test you, it might be a game to them, or it might even be a defense mechanism if they feel like they’re falling for you too fast. In those examples, he likes you, and there’s a potential for future dates or a relationship.
That said, some signs spell trouble. If you notice any of these behaviors, likely, he’s not trying to play a flirty game with you and instead isn’t interested in getting to know you romantically.
He Doesn’t Initiate Contact
This is going to sound really straightforward, but it’s important to say because this signal is so often ignored or misinterpreted. If he doesn’t ever call you, text you, or initiate spending time with you, chances are good he’s not interested in pursuing you.
It’s okay if you take the initiative to reach out some of the time, or even most of the time. But at least a few of your interactions should start with him. If you’re constantly feeling like you’re begging for attention, then you likely are.
Men aren’t always good at being direct, so pay attention to this signal and listen to what he’s not saying. If it’s always up to you to get in touch, that’s because he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to. Be smart, and move on.
He Doesn’t Tell You Anything Beyond the Basics
When you’re first talking to a new guy and getting to know him, it’s reasonable to start with the basics. After the first date or two, you should know things like:
- Where he grew up
- Where he goes to school or works
- What he does for a living
- If he has any pets
Basically, you should have conversations about the high-level stuff that you likely already knew from researching him on social media. If he likes you and is thinking about something more, he’ll start to open up and invest some time and energy into getting to know you and telling you about himself.
It might not happen right away, but after a few dates, you should have slightly deeper conversations about things that are important to him, his family, his goals, and the way he thinks and feels. He’s probably not going to open up entirely and confess all his darkest secrets, but you should feel like you’re starting to get to know him beyond just the top layer that he shares with everyone.
If he shuts down more in-depth conversations with you and tries to keep everything casual and at a high level, then it’s a sign that he’s not interested in investing in getting to know you. Take it for what it is and realize that he’s not into you and move on to someone who is.
You Only Have a Virtual Connection
There are lots of ways to get to know someone, and it’s common to chat via text or online to learn more about each other. There’s nothing wrong with it, and it’s sometimes easier to have the deeper and more difficult conversations with someone if you’re not talking to them face to face.
That said, if you’ve made plans to meet, but they haven’t come to fruition, it could be a sign that he’s not all that he seems. If it seems like you have a fantastic connection online, but he always cancels at the last minute for a date, or when you plan to grab a coffee, it’s likely that he’s not genuine.
He might be lying about some of his details and is scared you’ll discover the truth when you see him in person. He could also be talking to several women, likes the attention online, but isn’t actually interested in a relationship.
If he’s into you and wants to see what could develop, he’ll make the time and find a way for you to meet. If he avoids that, then he’s not playing hard to get, he’s impossible.
He Waits a Long Time to Set Up Your Next Date
We’ve all been on dates with people we were lukewarm about. When the night ends, maybe there’s a quick kiss, an awkward hug, or just a handshake and a wave when you part ways. Those are the kinds of dates where it’s easy to know that there wasn’t any chemistry and you won’t be going out again.
It’s also easy to know when a date is incredible. You realize you have that instant spark, and you can’t wait to see them again. This is when you typically already have new plans before you ever part ways.
If you have an awesome connection and he’s interested in you, he’s going to want to see you again soon. He should call or text within a few days to set up the next time you hang out. After that first time, after your second, third, or fourth date, you two should be making plans relatively quickly without a long time between talking.
If you’re not, it’s probably a sign that he’s not completely invested. Pay attention. He’s showing you how interested he is based on the amount of effort he puts in to see you. If it’s not a lot, then you know that he’s just leading you on and giving you the bare minimum.
You deserve more than that, and shouldn’t wait around for him to realize it.
Bottom Line
There are lots of fun parts about new relationships and dating, and one of them is the thrill of the chase that comes with playing hard to get. Girls love doing it, and so do guys, and if you know how to play the game, it can be an exciting way to establish attraction in your relationship.
The important things are to understand what it looks like, what his behavior means, and tricks to play the game yourself so that you get what you want. It’s also critical to be able to identify when he’s not playing hard to get but instead just isn’t interested in you romantically so that you can move on and find true happiness.
Follow these tips, and you’ll be able to read his signals and get what you really want.
Sunday, December 20, 2020