Newsflash: Women constantly push really good guys right out of their lives as they wait for some fantasy man. We usually don’t even know we’re doing it.
Finally having this pointed out to me in my early 40s was a huge part of my transition from a pretty happy single gal to, at age 47, a truly fulfilled wife of a loving and adoring man.
In my never-ending quest to help grownup women find fantastic love like I did, I’m writing about the six types of single women who drive men away. I’m outlining these dating “FemiTypes” so you, the oh-so deserving woman dating over 40 and looking for love, can do two things:
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- Find love by clearing out what might be standing in your way.
- Make better connections with men by extending them true empathy.
This has nothing to do with woman-bashing or saying you’re broken in some way. It has nothing to do with saying that dating and relationships are more difficult for men than for women. It simply has to do with helping you get educated.
Just like us, men can have a tough time in the wild and wooly world of dating. How would you know their experience unless someone told you? So, if you agree there is value in knowing how “the other side” feels…read on!
The 6 FemiTypes are: The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow-Me Woman, The Bitter Woman and The Sex Pot.
Today’s FemiType is The Wow-Me Woman
She’s all about finding the one man who knocks her socks off. She’s convinced that the holy grail is that elusive “chemistry.” Without it, she hardly feels it’s necessary to give a guy any time or attention.
The Wow-Me Woman can’t define what she’s looking for but swears she will “know him when she sees him” (a common theme among FemiTypes).
Like the Princess, when it comes to her love life, emotions rule. The Wow-Me Woman is stuck in her 12-year-old self’s fantasy and guided by feelings and intuition. She firmly believes that one day her prince will come, they will lock eyes, and BANG…it will happen!
The Wow-Me Woman can’t define what she’s looking for but swears she will “know him when she sees him”
She wants to be swept off her feet.
He needs to make her laugh, have charisma and charm and, upon first meeting, be able to carry on a conversation with her sans any silence. You know…the conversation just “needs to flow.” (Even though they’re meeting for the very first time and very few men have the skill of unbridled conversation.)
Overall, the Wow-Me Woman’s man needs to give her “that feeling.” When I’m coaching her, she tells me: “It was amazing! I could tell right away that we had an amazing connection! I’ve been waiting so long to meet this guy!” (I’m always tempted to reply, “How’s that instant connection thing working for you so far?”)
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for feeling a spark on the first date or two. But the Wow-Me Woman is so sure she has to feel the shazam-factor that she wouldn’t even recognize a small flame. She’s holding out for the blazing bonfire; and if it doesn’t happen right away, she’s not sticking around. She will snuff out the best of the best.
ANTHONY’S STORY
“I dated for a lot of years and met a ton of women. We’d have a good phone call and then we’d usually meet for coffee. A lot of them seemed to lose interest pretty quickly. I always felt like I was being tested. It was like: “Show me what you got!” And if I didn’t perform in the first 10 minutes, I could tell she would shut down. Like I disappointed her somehow.
I understand that I’m not Denzel Washington. But I’m educated, I have a good job, and I’m damn nice. And I was serious about finding The One. Apparently I was supposed to jump through some hoops to get their attention.
My wife didn’t fall in love with me instantly. But we liked each other, and after a few dates we knew we had potential. And we’ve ended up being a great team. She’s the greatest.
I actually feel bad for those women. They’re probably all still single.”
You can probably imagine how it feels when you have to do some song and dance to get attention from someone you’re meeting for the first time. Oh, wait…you don’t have to imagine, do you? You’ve probably felt like this with some of the men you’ve met. It’s like you have a few minutes to pass some test; and if you don’t, he’s essentially done.
Feels crappy, doesn’t it? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told by women how unfair it is that men don’t even give women a chance. Well, we can do the very same thing.
Anthony probably felt rejected each time this happened and, over the course of time, got angry. He was making an effort to meet women but getting judged by some unreasonable measurement. They were judging him on how good a date he was, not how good a potential partner he might make.
Anthony was right, by the way. Many Wow-Me Women stay single for a long time. (If you’ve read my eBook, you know I was a member of that club.) They have probably had a lot of short-term, intense relationships (a.k.a. affairs) but no meaningful long-term ones.
Here is how dating can go for the Wow-Me Woman: She dates and never meets men she likes. Then, once in avery long while, she meets someone and feels The Chemistry. They have an incredible first date. He could be The One! Then there are three scenarios:
Scenario #1) They have a great first date and he never calls her again. In this case she apparently read it wrong. On one of my Man Panels, when asked about this phenomenon, a man once answered, “Well…it couldn’t have been that great of a date!”
Scenario #2) He digs her too and, as a grownup guy looking for a life partner, he wants to learn more about her. He calls a few days later and asks her out again. But her intensity bowls him over. He can tell she’s already decided about him and latched on. That’s unimpressive, and he heads for the hills.
Scenario #3) They have a great first date. He instantly starts texting and emailing, and they both jump in. They talk and/or see each other every day. She’s more and more convinced that her initial feeling was right on: he’s amaaaaazing! Then, relatively soon thereafter, he either disappears or explains that he’s just not ready for a relationship.
So let me break down this last scenario. The guy who jumps in so fast is a Wow-Me Man. He eventually realizes, though, that she’s not the woman he wants to marry. (Either that, or he doesn’t want to marry at all and just likes the feeling of being adored.) At the same speed he created the situation, he extricates himself. He knows he made a mistake.
The Wow-Me Woman, however, ignores any signs that he’s not a good match because she can’t bear to give up the fantasy. Once she’s wowed, no amount of contrary evidence can convince her they weren’t meant to be. She’s waited a long time for this, and she’s not about to give it up.
Even when it’s over – after one week or a few months – she can’t give up the dream of what might have been. She can’t figure out what went wrong because her fantasy is still too powerful. She holds on to her belief that they were great together. It’s just that he didn’t get it.
Like The 18 Year Old, The Wow-Me Women is unclear on what she really wants in a man and thus can’t evaluate the almost-relationship realistically. Since she still thinks she had it right and he just didn’t know it, she will continue her pattern. She will reject man after man who doesn’t turn her on in search of her next hit of Shazam.
WOW-ME REHAB
Looking back at your experiences over the past several years, does any of the wow-me pattern seem familiar? If so, you know that it’s exhausting and sometimes depressing to live in a cycle of continuous disappointment and occasional Shazam.
If you don’t want to live feeling like this anymore, and you honestly want to find that special man to share your life…you can turn this around.
Generally after some time has passed, it becomes crystal clear that men you fell so hard for were nowhere near a good match for you. Take some time to review who the guys were that you “just knew” were right for you but turned out to be losers, jerks or just plain wrong. (A guy who disappears after a ton of texts and emails and a few dates – and especially after having sex – is a jerk. Period.)
How much energy did you expend on this guy? And how did this bad choice affect your dating experiences going forward? Did it create some mistrust of men (and maybe mistrust of yourself)?
The grownup dater is clear on what she needs in a life partner. She knows exactly how she wants to feel when she’s with him, and she knows it takes a lot more than just excitement and Shazam to make a good partnership.
Learning the difference between a good date and a good mate is crucial not to drive your love life by fantasy and feelings alone. That’s why Step 2 of my 6-Step Find Hope and then Find Him System is Who is He? Getting Past My List. When you can articulate the grownup feelings you must have to be happy with a man — for instance, you may want to feel safe, understood and adored – then you can use these to measure a man’s potential in a meaningful way.
I recommend that your mantra as you meet men is DISCOVER, DON’T DECIDE. Give your intuition a holiday and tune into what your grownup woman is saying. If you find yourself getting swept away and can’t articulate why (except to say something like “He’s just so…awesome!”), then tap on the brakes for a while. He’ll still be there when the grownup part of you decides he’s got what it takes for you to be happy as partners.
A lasting relationship with a good guy is more likely to begin when you’re clear about what you want, and you allow yourself to see him as a real person. Dump your checklist and judge him based on the real stuff. After all, you’re looking for a life partner, not just a good date. Life and love with a real man is so much better than chasing after an elusive fantasy.
* If you haven’t already, I recommend you read What Dating Is Like for Men (Oh…ya think you know?).
After talking to countless men, I’ve identified the Six FemiTypes: The Princess , The 18 year old , The Scaredy Cat , the Wow Me Woman , The Bitter Gal and The Sex Pot . I’m sharing what I’ve learned with you to help you understand and appreciate the men you’re meeting. This empathy will surely lead you to become a more grownup, compassionate and HAPPY dater and, ultimately, life partner.
I want to hear from you! Do you see yourself in this woman? What will you start (or stop) doing to make shifts so you can attract your wonderful man??
This is part one of my 4-part series Unrealistic Expectations That are Keeping You Single. Want more Coaching on What Expectations are Realistic >>>
- Mark B November 29, 2018, 12:21 pm
I stumbled into your site on a diff article (what guys in 40s face – I am 46 and 1 year removed from a divorce) but this type has been biting me and I feel is all I am attracting lately. I mean does a woman expect me to give her tingles our first meet over coffee (at least give me a chance by making it over wine so I can shed a little introversion) ? Realistically until this point we were strangers and at best had developed an online rapport (an oxymoron I know but I keep falling for it). It can’t be just looks because I don’t catfish so when they meet me if anything I look better than my photos which do not do my athletic build justice (and I know the ladies don’t like the gym selfie).
These were not boring meets. In 2 instances we talked for 2 hours and I made them laugh a few times. I am a part time comic although and introvert (figure that one out). I am not looking for guarantees but how about a second date if we thought we were both decent human beings and maybe there could be something there? The rejection would still hurt but at least have a first date (the first one is really a meet and greet in my opinion) where things are a little more comfortable.
My latest and most disappointing meeting was a Sunday evening tea. I had exchanged quite a few messages and then emails over the course of a couple of weeks. She was the one that suggested we move from the app to email. We exchanged quite a few and she always thanked me and told me how much she enjoyed them. I happen to be an eloquent writer. So we finally schedule a meet and talk for almost 2 hours. Granted the topics were probably more serious than I would have liked but thats just the direction things went. I found her to be engaging and very attractive. I followed up 2 days later asking her out again and the next day I was told I was wonderful but she saw us more as friends than lovers.
Honestly ladies if a man is giving you insta-tingles then he is in a tiny percentage of naturally suave men or more likely an experienced player or pua in my opinion.
At least some women put it in their profile…pulled this one today. (“If it’s right, it’ll click right away… whether friends, lovers, or other.”) She seemed great but I know most likely a waste of my time.
An honest, kind (not ‘nice’ and supplicating), intelligent, man like myself almost feels forced to study pickup or players so I can learn to generate sexual attraction out of the gate? Lets call a spade a spade and when a woman says “chemistry” thats what we are talking about.
My question to Bobbi is “is there something I am doing to attract this type of woman?”
I hear you Mark. Truth is that both men and women get stuck in this search for chemistry. Don’t you dare go to pickup lines and that nonsense. Just be real. And know that for some reason, some women really do like men to be a little but of a challenge. Also, mature women – like the women that stick with me – are done looking for that snazzy guy who’s a good date. They are looking for solid, kind men like you – men who make a good mate. Men do too. Just more childish games. Ya see grownups go after what they can actually have…not some fantasy.
What you said here is SO true: Honestly ladies if a man is giving you insta-tingles then he is in a tiny percentage of naturally suave men or more likely an experienced player or pua in my opinion. Amen!
Introvert who does stand up comedy. Like Jerry Seinfeld? 🙂
He said it was easier to talk to everybody than somebody.
For my part Mark, I only find a man attractive if I get to know him and establish an emotional connection through communicating. My guess is there are others out there like me.
I love all your advice. I was divorced 3 years ago and I have found myself in several of the scenarios through this journey. At the moment, I’m in the Wow Me scenario, but I realize it and trying extremely hard not to “sabotage” the opportunity. I’m not sure I’m physically attracted to him. At what point, do I know he is the one or not? Aren’t we suppose to listen to our intuition? I am so afraid to make the wrong decision and regret it 10 years from now.
Intuition has nothing to do with it. In fact when it comes to men it steers is the wrong way all the time. Some more reading for you: https://datelikeagrownup.com/trust-intuition-men/ Get clear on what you need to be happy. When you feel that with a man on a consistent basis and both when you’re with him and when you’re not…good chance he’s the one. Bp
Nice article but I decided to do just that leave the idea of the fantasy man out of my head, try someone that I was not instantly wowed by.This last date went well until he walked me to my car and tried to hug me ,pet my hair, get overly close.I thought he was nice up until that desperate act—sorry disappointed yet again.
That’s just one guy Brenda. And I’m not sure what you describe is desperation. Are you assuming because he’s not Mr Hotty he’s somehow desperate? Maybe he just thought you were really hot?
In any event, there are REAL men out there who may not fit your exact expectations but could actually make you really happy – if you can learn to let them. I’m glad you’re here. There’s no giving up, ok? Bp
I can definitely see some of this archetype in myself. I love the thrill of meeting a guy and having that instant “connection.” But I am becoming more aware of my tendency toward that now. I am working on tuning in to how I feel with a man (not the butterflies) – safe? appreciated for who I am? able to be myself? What hurts as a recovering wow-me woman is when I really try to give a guy a chance who may not have given me as much of an initial thrill, then he grows on me, and I start to like him, and then he stops calling. That rejection hurts. Like I tried to put aside some of my tendencies to prefer the thrilling and exciting man so that I could give this guy a chance, and he still didn’t like me for whatever reason. Just had this happen recently. Almost (almost!) makes me want to give up.
HI Michelle. Okay, good job on giving nice guys a chance. It’s a BIG change and a positive one. Now you may need to learn and practice some other new skills, because the nice guys want very different things from you than those shiny unavailable jerks. Here is a good place to start: https://datelikeagrownup.com/attract-good-men/ No Giving Up Sister!! Hugs. Bp
I think your article was ” spot on ” for me. I am looking for the ” magic ” & I am dating an amazing man that I question myself about the magic or does this only occur early on in one’s life ? Anita
I’m impressed by a man who is a gentlemen & uses “ladies first” rule, looks at me when I’m talking, and is kind towards others.
Yep, good ‘must-haves’, Patty. I married a guy like that. Keepers, indeed. Hugs, Bp
I have been on dates with wonderful, nice and caring guys. But what good is that if they can’t hold up a conversation and have nothing interesting to tell? I oftentimes found myself either running the whole conversation or listening to their boring stories.
I’m a fun girl. I need a fun guy who will make me laugh or make me think, otherwise I will be bored out of my mind. Does that qualify for a Wow-Woman?
Hi Euginia, You should be with a man who makes you laugh and think, but he may not show you that on your first date. Sometimes it takes some time to bring out this kind of connection with someone else. I suggest that you be willing to share some stories of your own and help bring out the best in each man you meet. Give it a try and I guarantee you’ll have better dates overall. Maybe this article will help some. Let me know what you think1 https://datelikeagrownup.com/2015/01/dating-older-men-seem-boring/
This is one of the best ones yet for me. I love the mantra – Discover, don’t decide. Lots of great realizations with this post, Bobbie. So valuable. I love what you’re bringing to the table here.
The only thing I can change is myself!
Yay Toni! Thanks for your comment. It makes me incredibly happy to know that you are so open and that you “get” that YOU have the control! Isn’t it kinda freeing? Hugs, Bp
I am not a wow me women. If anything the biggest mistakes I make in relationships is that I give too much. I think it was great advice discover don’t decide. I find that it is still so difficult, even when you think you have found the one, I was with him for 7 months, and they suddenly just want to be friends. I thought I was even looking at all the right things. I guess at 47 I am still learning.
I’m wondering how being a Wow-Me Woman fits in with a list of must-haves or nonnegotiables. I’d guess they’d have to pare down their list and make it “real”!
Hi Bobbie,
It’s been a while (quite a while) since I dated, but reading what you’ve written here about the Wow-Me woman really hit home.
I think I was that woman, once. I walked away from a WOW man, heartbroken, when he decided he’d rather date a woman I thought was a friend. I though I was losing the love of my life.
A while later, I met a man who couldn’t be more different. He distinctly did not wow me when we met. Our first date was OK, nothing special. He was kind, good company, reliable, honest – just a decent guy, but there was no ‘instant connection’ and the truth is I didn’t think we had much in common.
He was just good to be with, someone genuine. And he still is. We’re about to celebrate our 30th anniversary.
Now I look back and see it was a near miss with Mr. Flashy – and how fortunate I was to share a life with Mr. Genuine.
Hi Jackie. I LOVE your story. Thanks so much for sharing it.
Bobbi,
You know that at 56 and having a ton of idiots in my life, I have realized that Indo not have to accept or srmettle just to be alone. That being said, I MISS having a partner. What I AM looking for is someone who is a combination man – someone loving, attractive, ACCEPTING, who knows how to respect me. I want a partner – not a fling. Btw, when I say attractive, I do not need someone drop dead gorgeous, so in that sense, the Princess fsntasy is out. But i do want to enjoy looking at my man. The hardest oart is thst they want me to accept everything about them, but they won’t return the favor. I think I am a combimation of all of the women.
I was going to let your comment stand, Hagar, yet once again I am compelled to respond. My work — my passion — is about supporting and educating women to have hope and to be their best so they can attract the best man to share their already good life.
As I’ve said 1000 times here, while there are men who do the same stupid and sometimes mean things we do — likely for the same sad reasons — that is not the norm and it is not what we discuss here. If you are encountering only “bad men” it’s because you are attracting them; not because those are the only men out there.
This isn’t place to man-bash and if you really want to do that instead of focus on how you can attract better men, I sadly invite you to find another place to do so. There are plenty of other places on the web for haters.
Women come here to learn how to connect with that one amazing man among many who will become their loving life partner…just like I and thousands and thousands of other women have done. I insist on maintaining that positive and hopeful community here. I wish you the best.
Bobbi, in my experience, there are definitely as much (and probably more) men than women who want to be wowed immediately. When you are on a dating site, a lot of guys clearly state that they want instant chemistry. That seems to be more important than the actual qualities a woman has. No wonder some of these men get badly played by some woman who sensed that and said and did all the right things to create that chemistry.
I personally can’t fall in love if I don’t actually know someone. And that’s way too slow for a lot of men it seems… But I am not going to fake deeper feelings just to hook someone.
agree with your comment , I had corresponded with alot of guy`s as some say they are men and have grown up – who give this image of telling us they want to have a good woman, makes me laugh, smile , ect.. we chat awhile and or email a few times then nothing , I have had doubts about Match.com but still remain optimistic in finding real great partner, I had thought that I met the man to grow old with a share everything together , we dated 10mths. as I thought every thing was great it was a long distance (254miles ) then boom he needed time to process and that was it . Ugh, but I have pulled up my bootstraps as my mom would say, and moved forward, I have changed since then and plan on taking another route to meeting a wonderful man, Thank you for that comment I totally agree.
P.S. I met a guy recently we`ll see were this goes. :]
Sometimes I think older people in general feel like time is a wasting and they want to correct all life’s wrongs and mistakes with a stellar pick in our older age. Still, we are all only human and would like to be loved/liked for everything we are, flaws and all. I am sure men would like to feel this way too, and want not have to put on a long term show. It is a big relief to just be yourself!
SO right on, Regan. We all do want to be accepted and loved for who we are, and who we aren’t. Yep, men are no different. I’m not sure if it’s the ‘time is wasting so I gotta make a stellar pick’ as much as it’s that we older folks would rather be single then with someone who isn’t a stellar partner who really makes us happy. Thanks for your comment. Glad you’re here. Bp