Raise your hand if you can accurately read the minds of your girlfriends. My guess is that, at least for a few, you actually can. Larry and I can read each other’s minds at times. When you’ve spent about 2000 days with someone you love, that happens. (It’s not always a good thing, btw.)
Now, raise your hand if you can accurately read the minds of the men you are dating or have had short relationships with. Anyone? Okay, now raise your hand if you’ve tried to read the minds of the men you are dating or have had short relationships with. I bet you have, and I bet you can’t.
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I bring this up because of something that happened to my friend, Jan. I think this is a great story of how becoming more aware of your thoughts and actions can make a really nice change in your life. This includes managing the propensity to read men’s minds.
Jan’s Meet Date
Jan’s on what we call a “meet date” with a new guy she met through online dating. Jan appropriately coined these meet dates because it’s just that: a way for two people to meet. It’s only after this that you decide if you want to go out on a real date. I think she’s brilliant for thinking of it this way because, guess what, many men see it this way. When they do, it means they may not be in their full-throttle, romantic, wow-the-woman date mode. Give this some thought. Knowing this may affect your high expectations for these types of dates. But I digress. (What else is new?)
Anyway, Jan and Mr. New Guy are having lunch. They’ve talked a little and she thinks he’s a nice guy. Her lunch is served along with her iced tea, but the waitress never brings the requisite straw. They’re sitting just a short distance from a table where straw-o-rama awaits. Jan looks over at that table, looks at Mr. New Guy, and waits for him to get up and get her a straw. He doesn’t. So Jan asks, half joking: “Hey…aren’t you going to get up and get me a straw?” To which Mr. New Guy replies: “Nope, I was looking forward to watching you walk over there.” A sheepish smile follows.
Okay, so what are you thinking about this guy right now?? Got it? Okay, please read on.
Here’s what Jan thought: there were two things about this that really surprised her:
1) It didn’t offend her. A year ago she would have considered that rude and sexist and completely inappropriate. She may have even gotten up and left. But she’s been working on a handful of changes that are making her a more concious, graceful, and grown-up dater. She’s being more compassionate and less judgmental of men. Also, Jan’s becoming much more in touch and comfortable with her femininity. She’s loving feeling softer and being able to show all aspects of her personality, and the men are definitely responding. So when Mr. New Guy made his comment and smiled, the woman inside her felt flattered and she was quite tickled.
2) She never would have guessed his reason for not getting up to get her the damn straw. Her old self would have tried to read his mind and instantly assumed either he didn’t like her enough to get off his butt to be gentlemanly, or that he was just plain ill-mannered. (Which we all know is a total deal-breaker, right ladies?) “Knowing” this would have rung the “this guy is a jerk” bell, and off she would have gone. There would have been no redemption. But Jan decided not to assume and to give him a break. Hence, her question “hey…aren’t you going to get up and get me a straw?”
The Story Ends
So what happened? Jan returned the sheepish grin, and on the date went. After he went and got her the straw, of course.
Mr. New Guy is now Mr. Past Guy. They agreed that it wasn’t a match. But her decision had nothing to do with the straw-capade. And since she didn’t jump to offense or assume, both Jan and her date left feeling good about themselves and all the better for their next date. (Practice makes perfect!)
These small changes in attitudes and habits – like accepting you can’t read a guy’s mind, like giving a guy a break, like getting comfortable with just being yourself – these can make all the difference in your search for love and, as a great side benefit, in your love of yourself.
Oh! And let me hammer home this advice: don’t try to figure out what a man is thinking. They think so differently than we do you’ll be wrong a huge percentage of the time. But you already know that.
- Katie September 14, 2017, 9:05 am
Hi- I am a single woman in my 50’s. Recently I moved intot a house with two other friends. All 3 of us really wanted a house and were sick of living alone & paying exorbitant rent. We met and discussed before even moving in what were the important roommate requirements for all of us.
2 of us did not want men to spend the night, the 3rd woman relectunatly agreed. But Ifelt we had worked it out and all were in agreement. So the 3rd woman now has been dating a man for 3 months and she wants to invite him to stay overnight. My other roommate& I both do not want to have a man spend the night and feel like we all agreed on it Before we moved in. It has caused a few hard feeling which we are working through.
We made it clear we have no problem staying somewhere else if she wants to have him over and if we are not here absolutely have him stay.
I am curious what your opinion on the situation would be? The bedrooms in the house are all on the same floor across the hall from each other. She has the biggest bedroom & her own bathroom.
Thanks for listening.
Katie
I’ve been where you are. If you’re willing to leave and give her some time with him there alone, it’s generous of you. But the No Man Rule is sacred. Has to be or things fall apart. She’s wrong and should honor her agreement or move. Hope that helps! Bp
Finally!! A relationship advice website for over 40s. Thanks Bobbi, for helping we grownups to succeed in the dating world, post divorces etc, when so much has changed since the 70’s and 80’s of our youth. I’m looking forward to reading your newsletters.
Hi Jules – Thanks so much for your note. Yup, I know from experience that we gals over 40 have some unique challenges with dating and men. Of course I think it’s the best time to be looking for a great relationship. It may take a bit more work to find it, but when we do at this age we tend to get it right. We’re smarter, we have perspective…all the things I talk about in my eBook.
If this helps you navigate the new dating world then I’m thrilled! Let me know how it goes, and I’d love to hear any thoughts on my ebook after you read it. Bp
Your advice is mostly spot on and I am sure that some of your clients might initially resist because what you say is contrary to much of the political correctness that surrounds gender expectations. I read a great deal of what men are saying online (away from the mass media) in regards to dating and relationships. Honestly, you understand men, unlike the cluesless writers in Cosmopolitan Magazine or TheFrisky.com. Carry on with your bad self and keep up the good work!
Quite the splendid advice you give! Have you researched the “woman’s sh1t test” phenomenon that is frequently discussed by men? Those are the little tests often unconsciously given to men by women and are a source of incredible frustration for men and do much to turn them off completely.
HI Drew.
It’s like my darling husband says: Men have 50 undefined hoops to jump through to please a woman. Women only have 4 or 5 to please a man, and everyone knows what they are.
Thanks, as always for your comment. And for your nice compliment. 🙂 I sure try to give advice that is “real” and your “ok” makes me feel that it is so.
Thursday, November 12, 2020